This, hopefully, will not be another post about motorcycles. Or my addiction to them. I hope. The distance between Bakersfield, Ca and Vacaville, Ca is somewhere in the ballpark of 300 miles. Put into time it equates to about four and one-half hours. Give or take depending how you drive. As I’ve said before, for me, being a bike is unreal. It isn’t like anything else I do. I’m free. I’m able to think clearly.
For those that know me. That truly know me. Know about my ADD. Know about how I fidget. About how I have to occupy my mind. For those who do, you’ll probably understand. Riding a bike isn’t like driving a car. You have to pay attention to much more. You have to be more aware. My mind is more busy while riding a bike than it is while driving a car. Or building a computer. With my mind thinking and not being idle, I’m able to think more clearly. I’m able to think harder.
Driven. What are people driven by. What is the purpose. Of it all? Of life? Of living? Reproducing? Continuing? Existing? Co-existing? What is the reason for it all? These thoughts have plagued my mind for quite sometime and I have not been satisfied with any answer I have been given or I myself have come up with. Nothing has filled the hole, closed the gap, or concealed the crack. I still have this gaping - I don’t know - and it cannot go unanswered [I hope].
I cannot speak for you. I can’t speak for the country. I doubt I can even speak for the general. I speak for myself. I speak from personal experience and the way I am driven. I drive myself. It isn’t religion. It is not the fact that I do what I do, I continue because I’m somehhow striving to be holy (not that I’m not doing that, but that isn’t what ‘drives’ me) and it is what keeps me going. It isn’t religious. It isn’t because I feel it is what I have to do. I don’t continue existing only because its better than non-existance.
What keeps me going. What keeps me active. Why do I continue? Why not give up? Why have a purpose, why be driven?
First, why not? Having purpose is much better than naught.
I live for my own. I have ideas in my head of what I want. Of how I’d like my life to be. Some things specific. Some generalized. There are other things, but I’ll start with wants. I continue, I exist to fulfill my wants. I want to find a nice girl. I want to get married. I want a house with a payment, with a mortgage. I want a kid, or two, or three… I want a cat, or two, or three… This is my biggest drive. I want to be married. I don’t care about my job. I can do anything and be fine as long as my job is half-way interesting. I’ll care more about my wife and what she wants than my own. In other words, if I’m dating a girl, seriously, she graduates college with a job offer in New Jersey, well, I think New Jersey is a fine place to live as well. I’m marketable. I’m not inept. I can find a job, somewhere. McDonald’s is always hiring (haha, just kidding).
Travel. I love to travel. There are so many places I have not seen. Most things I have not seen. I’ve hardly even seen my own country. I want to travel. Preferably with my significant other, if I’m ever fortunate enough to have one. Either way, a friend, a lover, it doesn’t matter that much. I want to travel. I want to see the world. Even if I do not get to, it is my want. It is what drives me.
Smiles. I truly enjoy making others smile. It drives me. Being comedic drives me. I want to see you smile. I enjoy seeing you smile. I love to see you smile. It thrills me more than anything. If I was faced with my ability to make others smile and laugh and be unable to ride a bike or to be the best motorcycle rider in the world and blah blah but not be humorous I wouldn’t even bat an eye. I’d choose humor any day. I would rather see a smile on a face of a loved one than a smile on my own from riding a bike. What drives me most is you. Smile for me and I’m going to want to drive even further.
Boring. Dull. Incomplete, but overthorough. Thanks for reading anyways.

I’m driven too. (Duh). When my friend died, I became more driven, and yet less. I wondered what her life was all about. It’s over now, what did she miss? Why am I living? What for? The insanity of it all. The questions that take us back, searching origions, wondering Who? and Why?, forward ask to what we live for–again Who? and Why? Thinking it is for greatness and finding out that it is only for the simple, basic things we live. Like a smile, like love.
Comment by Yo-Lan — May 23, 2006 @ 10:39 am
wow, its interesting that you say this… I just got done writing my Eulogy and my death wishes, perchance I perish upon my bike… My entire Eulogy and wishes were in complete and total regards to these feelings. I had pondered posting it as a blog… we will see… we will see.
Comment by Ad Infinitum — May 23, 2006 @ 10:44 am
That’s the one reason I was never allowed to ride a friend’s/family’s bike. Really dissapointed me–but I have resigned to take the future risk of motherhood instead.
Birthdays bring me to my most serious meditations. It’s always a chance to see how far I have come in going nowhere. I’m 20 today! Celebrate and be depressed.
I’d like to read your Eulogy–while you’re still around, for your thoughts and insights.
Comment by Yo-Lan — May 24, 2006 @ 10:22 am
Wouldn’t being in that moment of complete and utter contentness, maybe after fulfilling your life “dreams” to perish while driving along say, the california coast or somewhere in europe, china, africa, australia, etc…
i’d say that would be the greatest time to expire while completely engulfed in yourself -thoughts- along with your significant other–perhaps.
one can only hope for such an ending though…
Bringing forth a smile a day
reassures me that it really WAS
the greatest day i have lived.
being able to bring forth such happiness for
another individual is probably the most selfless acts a person can “give” another. agreed?
i am almost certain you do. :)
without the smiles, and the laughs
i really do not think i would be here,
it gives me the fuel to the light inside of me
-that motivation-
or “drive” that you say, to keep on keepin’.
eh. i love to travel, i shall hold onto these thoughts and aspirations with the strongest grip i have to offer. i advise you do the same, especially OUTSIDE america! ha ha
Comment by Ashley — February 26, 2007 @ 5:53 pm