Ad Infinitum

This is hardly a blog. I just wanted to post pictures of the recent Lunar Eclipse. Seeing the pictures hardly accounts for the glamour of seeing it first hand.

“The Rest Can Wait”
By: Timothy Grundvig
March 25, 2007

Puzzled and awry
Feelings unfelt
Heart locked away
Full of doubt

Choices unmade
Left undecided
Future bleak
Unable to hide it

Wanting an answer
To the undying question
Reasoned with guilt
But claimed with treason

Power overwhelming
No chance to change
Desire and need
Crumbling with rage

Uneasiness and fright
In turbulent waters
Frozen conscious
Uneasy or unwilling

Lost and confused
Needing direction
Helplessness
Deprived of affection

Hit or stand
Play with fate
Dabble, not dawdle
The rest can wait

Born and bred in a Christian home. Raised in a Christian church. There are fifty-two Sundays per year (approximately). That means that I attended somewhere around 832 Sunday Schools sessions by time I turned 16 years old. That doesn’t count Awanas, Wednesday night bible studies, Friday night sizzlin’ summer studies, Sunday night worship, Tuesday evening devotions, etc. I bet it’d be safe to say I’ve spent a good portion of my life at the Church.

Understanding. I have it. Throughout my high school career, if you want to call it that, my friends came to me for biblical advice. It wasn’t that I was wiser than them. It wasn’t that I was somehow more important than them. I just simply read the bible more. I understood it, well at least more so than most my age. I knew it extremely well. I had hidden ‘God’s word in my heart, so that I would not sin against him,’ you could say.

Even with all of the knowledge and understanding I doubted. I second guessed. I often ventured into the lukewarm. Going from hardcore Christian, to lukewarm Christian, back to hardcore. It was a cycle. Back and forth. Back and forth. Years were spent. Unable to decide. Like a child faced with the option of candy bars or ice cream.

As a hardcore Christian I felt like something was askew. Like a picture on a wall that won’t stay parallel to the ceiling. I felt like it wasn’t real, but whenever I strayed away I felt guilty. I was not joyful either way. I had to make a choice. Twenty years had passed and the past six had been this way. Like a baseball in a game of catch. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Each time the space between us getting further and further. I didn’t want to be in the middle. I wanted to be black or I wanted to be white. A decision had to be made.

For a period of time that I didn’t care to mark, I’d imagine a month or two, I asked all the questions I could think of.

“Why do I believe in God?”

Was I raised that to believe?
Am I classically conditioned?
Do I have it made up in my mind that He is real?
Do I really believe the Bible is true?

Knowing all I knew about the Bible I couldn’t give myself a real reason for my belief for my foundation of my life for the past twenty years. With all the camps I have been to, all the leadership training, all the evangelical messages I’d been given… all for naught. I couldn’t answer one of the most basic questions for the Christian faith. What if a stranger asked me? What if a friend asked me? If I didn’t have a real answer for myself how could I have one for someone else?

I continued to ask myself these questions. Searching for the answer. I didn’t want the guilt. I didn’t want the fake feeling. I wanted to live my life.

I don’t remember all of the exact details, to be honest. The conclusion I came up with is that I don’t actually believe. It took a lot of thinking and questioning, but I decided that I do not believe in all the Bible has to say.

As more time passes by the more it seems like this choice should have been easier, but what it really came down to is that I don’t feel I really believed. I think I stopped believing sometime around high school. I don’t know why for sure, but I think I continued with “believing” for a few reasons.

• It was challenging.
• It was a way for me to be a little more unique and go against the grain.
• I was familiar with it already, it was within my comfort zone.
• I felt that I was classically conditioned rather than believing by free will.
• I enjoyed having the answers, I enjoyed studying the bible. Not because it was “the bible” but because I have always had a thirst for knowledge.

In light of the above, I realized that a lot of the reasons for my belief were selfish. I was a hypocrite and was blind to it. This is where it became easy for me to toss the Christian title. I decided that I was no long Christian. I have lived my life since that day as such. I do not believe I have felt guilty of it once. I do not have any regrets (as I never have for as long as I can remember).

I honestly didn’t think it would be quite as easy as it was. The fear of my peers was pretty overwhelming sometimes. So many of my friends were friends from church. Friends I had gone to bible studies with, prayed with, shared Christian bonds with. I feared rejection and judgment. However, most of my friends haven’t passed judgments upon me. They have accepted me and my choice in life. I wouldn’t say they support it, but they haven’t forsaken me or spit on me.

In the end, I’m not all that different. Yes, I’ve made changes in my life styles, but I’m still the same person. I just don’t do everything according to the bible. I feel like I’m more honest than I was. I feel like I’m living the truth now. To those of you that are curious, yes, I would say that I am happier and a bit more joyful than I was.

For as long as I can remember I have lived my life without regret. Not looking back has made life easier. It’s actually a biblical philosophy. The bible often speaks about worry and dwelling. I made it a point to do those as little as possible. I do not regret living the way I have for so long. It has made me the man I am today. I do not write this to say you’re wrong for believing, I write this to say it is not right for me.

I am always on a quest to find new music. In my quest I constantly find new bands that I fall in love with. Recently the newest addiction is Breed 77. My favorite genre of music is rock or metal. I love both of them. Just about any type of genre that has rock or metal in it is just that much better. My second favorite (or I suppose technically third) is classical/symphony music. When you mix either of those with metal, I love it THAT much more.

Breed 77 is one of these bands that adds that extra little bit into their music. Their genre is classified as Rock/Metal/Flamenco. If you’re not familiar with Flamenco is, well allow me to educate you. Whenever you see a Bailaora (see image below) from Spain in those huge, over-done dresses dancing around on stage clapping and acoustical guitar, the music she is dancing to is Flamenco.

Breed 77 have a lot going for them. They currently have three albums out. They signed a deal with a record label to make five albums so they have a future ahead of them. I only have two of their albums, but I enjoy every song on both of them. Their songs have some diversity and they all don’t sound the same. There are definitely more diverse bands out there, but I really enjoy Breed 77’s music. I have added two of their songs to my epic collection and there is a possibility that I’ll add more, I still have not gotten their most recent album.

The main vocalist, Paul Isola, has a voice that you can recognize. If someone played me a Breed 77 song I have not heard or was unfamiliar with, I’d probably be able to guess that it was Breed 77. His voice isn’t entirely unique, but it has a recognizable characteristic which, I feel, distinguishes it from a lot of the other rock/metal voices out there. His voice isn’t some amazing tenor, like Andrea Bocelli, but when rock or metal music is involved, you don’t necessarily need a voice like that.

The song below is from their second album, Cultura. It is enjoyable and is probably one of the better songs to display their “Flamenco” influence.

Breed 77 - La Ultima Hora

Thoughts on the song would be appreciated. Critique is welcome. Other music suggestions are encouraged.

I love music.

I should just leave it at that. I am unable to. My mind will not allow me. I must continue and over explain my love of music; as I do with everything. Over explain that is. I listen to music as much as I possibly can. It isn’t because I am a musician. I am not, far from it in fact. It is not because I am some amazing song writer or a singer. I have a pretty terrible voice to be honest. I simply love music.

Most songs motivate me. I am able to listen to almost any type of music. Opera, metal, alternative, rock, punk, ska, pop, industrial, classical, house, etc. I find pleasure in just about all of it. Now I do have some favorites, but generally I enjoy it all.

There are a few songs that I classify as “epic.” Cheesy? Absolutely. It is the only way I can describe them though. It is a simple explanation and defines it exactly how I’d like. Describing these types of songs is not easy. Some of my favorite songs I would not classify as epic. I love them, but I cannot put them in that field.

Some of the requirements for epic songs are as follows:

• The song usually contains an extremely catchy and heavy guitar line/solos.
• Generally the song is lenghty, giving you enough time to really get into the beat.
• Lyrics are not necessarily required.
• If you can’t close your eyes and forget about everything else, its not epic.

Other than that I am unsure how to explain what an epic song is. You’ll have to listen to my minuscule epic collection that I have collected so far and figure it out for yourself.

Epic Playlist

If you have a song or two that you think might be epic, please let me know. E-mail it to me or find someway to get it to me. I will review it and add it if I find it suiting for my life. I’m always looking for new songs!

I am not easily offended. Some random Joe on the street probably could not say anything to offend me. He might bother me or upset me, but nothing he said would bug me ten seconds after I was done talking with him. Only those who are close to me have the ability to seriously offend me.

I recently made a new friend. Now she is really cool. She is smart, funny, cute, all those good things. Before you say or think it, no, I’m not attracted to her like that. She is a girl that I have no intention of dating, not saying that it can’t change, but those are my current feelings and they are pretty strong. I enjoy her company, a lot. She is quite fun to hang out with. The past week when I hurt my ankle due to my motorcycle crash her and I hung out almost every day for hours. Just talking and goofing around. We hardly did anything at all. I think her and I will become pretty good friends since she does not live very far from me at all.

She likes to talk on the phone a lot. I, on the other hand, do not. The only time I really enjoy talking on the phone is when:

• A: I’m really bored.
• B: I’m driving in my car and I want entertainment.
• C: I just met them and we have a lot to talk about.
• D: I have something specific to talk about and I’m generally to the point and then I’m done.

She calls me a lot. Now, I don’t have a problem with this, I just don’t really know what to say most of the time. I enjoy talking in person, on AIM, or via text message. Well, she called me tonight and we had a few things to discuss. One being my trip down to Bakersfield for my 21st birthday. She is native to Bakersfield and asked if I’d give her a ride. I have absolutely no problem with this! I actually am glad, it’ll give me good company on the ride down. Anyways, back to the matter at hand, as we were talking we got past the stuff we actually needed to talk about and I didn’t want to be a jerk and just say, well, I’m going to go now. I wasn’t doing anything important. So we were talking and we got into talking about her boyfriend, which I had met over the weekend and stuff. She asked him what he thought and she said that he thought I and this other guy that hung out with us at the park were kind of weird and he felt out of place. Then she said about how I’m like other guys.

Now this kind of set me back a step. I’ve always thought that I wasn’t like other guys. I mean, sure, I have characteristics similar to many guys, but thats because I’m male. I’m obviously going to have general similarities to other guys. However, I’ve never really considered myself like “most” guys.

Now when she said this and I repeated it back to her, “Wait, you think I’m like other other guys?”

I don’t want to misquote what she said, but it was more or less, “Yeah, you seem to be like most guys, you have some differences and stuff, but generally.” (that is not anywhere close to what she said, more of a summation of what I got from what she said.)

I just sat in total silence. Now, this isn’t as big a deal as you’d think. Half the time on the phone with her I’m silent anyways. I think she picked up on it though because she said, “Are you busy with something?”

“Kind of. I’ve got a few IM conversations going and I’m kind of watching Jon Stewart.”

“Oh, well, ok. I’ll let you go then.”

“Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Good night!” I said. Then we both hung up.

I’m not sure if I’m offended or not. I don’t think I’m actually offended. I think I’m just shooken up a little bit. She hasn’t known me that long. She really doesn’t know that much about me. In lieu of brushing it off like I normally would with someone I’m just getting familiar with I kind of upset I suppose. I can’t think of the word to explain what it was that I was feeling that moment. Was I offended that she thinks I’m just like every other guy (for the most part)? Or was I upset that she threw me into the generality without getting to know me really well? I can’t get upset with the latter for then I’d just be a huge hypocrite. I throw people into generalities all the time because I think I know someone. *shrugs* I don’t think I’m offended. Writing this out has helped me get over it. I don’t think I’m like other guys. Maybe I should ask my female friends that I’ve known for a long time what they think. Hmmm…

http://realpcpros.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=90

Instead of copy/pasting the story, I’m just going to send you there to read it.

I also started an online forum. If you all are interested join up and start posting! :) But read that story. Or kind of story.

I AM OK THOUGH! My ankle is basically healed now too! :) :)

My job has really cruddy scheduling. A lot of time it is last minute. Boy do I mean last minute. My last day on the schedule is this coming Tuesday (08/29). I know I’m scheduled to work in Santa Theresa/San Jose until September 14th because I received this e-mail 08/17 (last names have been removed):

You gentlemen have been extended in STR until 9/14. Lynne is coordinating with the STR management as to where you will be stationed and the times etc. I have updated your master schedules to reflect this extension and any housing needs need to be directed to Camille ASAP. Thanks.

Ryan

There was never a Master Schedule released after this e-mail. My last day on the schedule, as I stated is 08/29. So where am I going? I’m “supposed” to be on extended support, but no schedule sent out. This isn’t necessarily out of the normal. It happens somewhat frequently. I’m just concerned because I want to know whats going on. I want to know where I will be. So, I e-mail Adam. He is currently my roommate for corporate housing (which ends on 09/06) and he is also staying behind for corporate housing.

Do you even know where you are going to be after this Tuesday? I’m not even scheduled anywhere.

His reply:

We are on for extended support which means we are probably both getting fired. At least that is the rumor going around. Did you get a hotel confirmation email from Camille for Sept 6th thru Sept 14th?

My response to that:

yeah, I did. wait. you think we’re getting fired?

His response:

we are so totally fired. word is spreading like wild fire. ask Justin, he always knows everything and Mike also kind of gave me the heads up

sorry man, start looking
adam

I don’t see why I would be fired. Something happend awhile back, but it wasn’t a big deal. Nothing to be fired over, or so I think. I’m obviously a little nervous by this. Adam has done a ton of stuff that would lead him and myself to believe they would let him go. He doesn’t have the best track record. I, however, have not had problems. No receptionist has complained about me and many have actually said great and amazing things about me. I know my performance is nothing shy of phenominal. That is how I work. Adam not always so. In any case I am a little fearful because although I haven’t done anything to be fired over, the points laid out kind of do line up and I can see that. So I start asking around with people that might know. Gianna says I’m being ridiculous and I’m not being fired. She told me this before the final e-mail from Adam though. So I was fine until I got taht e-mail. So I call Mike and ask him whats up and he laughs.

Mike said, “Haha, I told those bastards to leave me out of it! Ok, Tim, this is whats going. There was a rumor going around that Adam was going to be fired so he was freaking out. He talked to me and I told him no. That isn’t true and set his mind at ease. Everything is fine. So he started talking about pranking you and saying that you two were being fired and thats why you’re on extended support. It isn’t true, but I told them to leave me out of it!”

That was not verbatim, but close enough. I hate practical jokes! :(

I have no story to tell. No dialog for your to read. I hope to start blogging again soon. Again I apologize for my blogging absence. I have no legitimate excuse for it. I hope these pictures will fill the hole thats in you since I stopped blogging! :) Enjoy. Critique. Comment. Complain. Donate. Whatever floats your boat.

This is just an update to let you know I’m alive and well. I am working a lot, traveling around even more, I just moved and do not yet have cable internet (should this weekend though), and I’ve just been busy on the weekends hanging out with friends or having a few friends visit me. So, my apologies, I will return and be updating normally.

-Master of Truth.